“I create a safe space for both of us to rest our minds, so that our hearts can finally play together.”

MODEL: Kristin "Sunshine" Dorsey

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT: 

When Kristin showed up at my place, the first thing she told me was that she nearly cancelled our shoot. She was having an emotional day (as we all do, at some point) and wasn't sure if she'd be up for photos. I remember instinctively feeling grateful that she was comfortable enough to shared that honest sentiment with me. It allowed us to connect deeper, as we quickly dove past the surface small talk. My heart told me there were emotions that were fighting to shine through Kristin and also that her mind was trying hard to push those sincere emotions back down. This tension between the mind and the heart is familiar to all of us. We need both the mind and the heart to survive, but we also need to know when to lead with our hearts, if we want to thrive.

My goal is to create a safe space for people to give their minds a rest and allow their hearts to play. The truth is that everyone starts our session in their heads. That's totally fine - I prefer it. But eventually the mind bows out and that's when the magic happens. At first it's just a single "heart photo" that sneaks through, then slowly the ratio grows and almost always by the end, it's a totally reversal. It's as if the mind just gives up and finally allows our hearts to play together.

That moment when Kristin and I began to really connect was very special to me. We both got to really see each other. Then we got to see ourselves, in the other. She told me stories about growing up in California and summer nights as a teenager, driving through the streets. I could feel the wind, I could hear the sounds. I watched as Kristin time travelled to those very real moments and eventually I joined her. 

It was a little vacation for both of us. 

ONE LESSON FROM THIS SHOOT:

When people walk in with their emotions bubbling to the surface, this is an opportunity to create something special together. 

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT

I've known Andrew for almost 10 years, but sometimes it feels like we've always known each other.

For 5 of those years, Andrew and I lived together. Those were honestly my all-time favourite years. A week before Andrew came in for his portrait, I told him that I was going to be moving out. That was a tough conversation. Even now, I get emotional thinking about it. We were both very sad, but also knew this day was coming.

So when Andrew walked-in, the following Wednesday evening, to what was (eventually) going to be my new home, the energy was already very tender. I've seen so many colours of Andrew Peek over the years, so I really didn't know what to expect.

Andrew loves talking about big and audacious ideas and I love hearing about all of them. We have a history of jumping into conversations that soar above the clouds. But something was different that night. We both gravitated towards a different emotional altitude. Throughout I remember feeling very grounded. We spoke less than we normally would, but the whole time I felt really connected to Andrew, as if our souls were doing all the talking.

About halfway through, I spontaneously decided to experiment and asked Andrew to think about specific people in his life. I won't get into the details, as they were private, but I sat and watched, as my brother bared his soul and held nothing back. It was beautiful, it was tender and honestly it was really inspiring.

ONE LESSON FROM THIS SHOOT

Life has many colours, but so many of us choose to live in black and white. These portrait sessions are an opportunity for people to let some of those dormant colours, come out to play.

And no, the irony is not lost on me. :)

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT

My process for these write-ups is fairly simple. I finish editing the photos, then I sit in front of the computer (usually in the mornings) and close my eyes and transport back in time, to the day of the shoot. Usually its been at least a few weeks since the shoot. This is helpful because only the truly memorable moments remain in my mind. There are typically several that I reflect on, but almost always there is one memory in particular that finds me. All I do is make space for it. Then, I sort of let go.

Writing has always been very difficult for me, I later came to realize this was partially due to being dyslexic. The other, and probably larger part, was due to being terrified of what people would think - if I let them in. I've come to realize this is exactly what everyone that sits in front of my camera experiences. If they let go and let the "real" them shine through, people might judge them. When you see it in writing, you can't help but realize how stupid that sounds. But still, it can be scary. The truth is, I'm still sort of terrified every time I share one of these write-ups (and even the photos). But everyday I do, I get a little more confident, but also I care less and by care I mean overthink and over criticize less. Again, like my portraits, the more photos I shoot during a session, the less people are in their heads. They eventually stop paying attention to that voice in their head and let go.  

So back to Frank and our time together. When I close my eyes and reflect on our portrait session, the memory that strikes me the most, actually didn't happen on the day of the shoot. It happened two weeks prior, when Frank texted me "Hey dude! You still need recruits for your b&w portrait series?". Nothing special about that text...unless you know Frank. He's one of the sweetest guys I know. Honest, kind and super reliable, but he can also be shy and fairly private. I've know him for almost 5 years, but it took Frank a while to open up and be really comfortable.

The other interesting part of the story is that Frank was my landlord until very recently -  that's how we meet 5 years ago. You hear these horror stories about terrible landlords. Well, Frank was the exact opposite of all those stories. I have so much love for the dude. Over the years he would stop by every once and awhile and he'd ask "what are you working on these days? Anything good?". I'd invite him in and tell him about whatever project I was working on at the time. He genuinely cared. I really enjoyed our talks, especially when the wine came out. So, one day in November I ran into Frank in the stairs and he asked me that same question "what are you working on these day?". I pulled out my phone and started to show him the early pictures of the first few portraits. No reaction. I told him about what the project was about. Still no reaction. I asked him if he was "maybe... possibly... sort of interested to be a model? " Blank face. Then after a long pause he respectfully declined. Frank being Frank, he still wanted to help, but was clearly not comfortable being the one in front of the camera. So he started listing off names of friends that might be interested. I can't say I was surprised. Like I said, Frank can be a little shy. No harm in asking though. 

I thought that was going to be the end of it. I would've bet money on it. But low and behold, two weeks later, on a Sunday morning, I get a text message and before I know it I've booked my dear friend Frank for a portrait. What a great surprise. 

ONE LESSON FROM THIS SHOOT

The lesson was very clear to me. Everyone wants to be seen. That's my favourite part of this portrait project. If I do my job right, I get to bring people out of their shells (we all have them!) and show them how truly beautiful they are both inside and out. I can hear the haters barking about how cheesy that sounds, but fuck it's true. We are - all of us - beautiful.

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT: 

As soon as Steve got to my place he admitted to me that he was a little nervous. I was a bit surprised because in my eyes he's a total stud. Always full of confidence and charisma. The truth is virtually everyone I work with (even seasoned top models) are a bit nervous at first. This is normal and usually a good sign when someone is willing to admit it to me, as it means there emotions are closer to the surface and that they trust me enough to be honest about their feelings. It's my job to get the model out of their head. I find the best way to do this is to have a sincere conversation with them. With Steve, this was easy. He shared so many amazing stories and I genuinely had a blast. Two stories in particular left a real impression on me. One was about the moment Steve and his business partners realized they had a legit business. Such an epic story! The second was when Steve opened up and started talking about his new lady. It was amazing to see Steve light up when he spoke about his girlfriend Negin. I swear I could see love radiate from his eyes and his face. It was beautiful to witness. 

ONE LESSON FROM THIS SHOOT:

Steve being the thoughtful guy he is, brought a bottle of wine for us to share during our shoot. I love a glass of wine every once and awhile and I was very thankful. The lesson; a glass or two of wine is one thing, but add a little whisky to the equation and it's a totally different experience. We each had 2 drinks of whisky, so nothing crazy, but still it was not the best idea. What the hard alcohol did was create a barrier between me and my senses and for portrait photography I need to be as close to my sense and emotions as I can be, otherwise something will be missed. Thankfully the whisky only came out towards the very end of the shoot. I'm going to stick to coffee and wine from now on. 

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT: 

There's a good chance you know Gloria, or at least have read or seen some of her work. It's hard to describe what she does, but at the core she's a creative storyteller. I've been following her work for years and have a great deal of respect for her talent. So much of her work appeals to me, including her photography.

The other part of the story, that is important to mention, is that over the years Gloria and I would occasionally go for these epic coffee dates. These session were raw and real. We'd sit or walk for hours. For me it was very therapeutic and much needed. I always left those sessions feeling a little vulnerable - but also a lot lighter. I can't say for sure, but I think she really enjoyed our yearly chats as well. So when I booked Gloria in for a portrait, I had an expectation that since we both knew each other and were fans of each other's work, that we'd agree on most creative decisions.

The shoot was a blast, she was great to work with and we got lots of awesome photos. But when we got to the review session at the end, I was surprised that we rarely agreed on the photos we liked. This was the first time I encountered something like this. It was confusing because most of her favourite photos were not appealing to me as strongly as they were for her. Not to say they were bad photos, just that she had a very specific style that she gravitated towards. It wasn't' a big deal, but it did surprised me and made me reflect on what I could learn from that experience, for future shoots. 

ONE LESSON FROM THIS SHOOT:

There is no right or wrong in photography. Everyone has their own aesthetic sensibilities and taste. This can be a frustrating discovery, but it can also be a liberating one. The human brain seeks closure. The human heart seeks certainty and conviction. But the soul is wiser than both. It transcends binary human constructs such as right and wrong. When I realized both Gloria and I could be "right", I had to also accept that there is no objectively perfect photograph. At that moment I felt untethered and free. The feeling was fleeting, but it planted a seed inside me. It made me realize that trying to get to a place, where everyone felt the same way about my work, is a terrible trajectory. I can't control any of that. So now, I had to find a better plan - one that relied less on the external world. 

“Design your home. 

Design your business cards.

Design your work space.

Design your time and schedule.

Design your sexual identity.

Design your purpose.”

I am facebook. I am instagram. I am netflix. The content is irrelevant. With each new medium, I have agreed to enter a new reality, which will drastically reshape my brain. It's best to imagine this as a physical entity, for each medium's impact is not restricted to digital interactions only. It actually psychologically re-jigs our brains and changes who we are and eventually what we value. 

The content (aka the message) is never as important or impactful as (agreeing to join) the medium. 

The fact that you are an instagram users is more important than any actual message you could receive or could create through instagram. The medium is the point. Not the message.