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Writing + Photography

Memoirs and musings of Darius Bashar. Toronto portrait photographer and writer, in pursuit of all things real, raw and intimate. 

Last week was amazing. This week was good. Yesterday Sucked.

Last week might have been my most productive ever.

What’s more interesting to me, than what I managed to complete last week, is how smoothly the week flowed. It didn’t feel like work. There wasn’t much struggle. I would definitely not use the word hustle to describe the week. It just flowed and felt great the whole way.

I got lots of positive feedback on my work. More than ever before. I was humbled by the flood of incredible support, especially after my post about goals for 2018. People from all over wanted to help me achieve these goals. I sincerely did not expect that response and still to this day, don’t fully understand why people felt so moved by that post. Just being honest.

Since that post:

  • I’ve been taken on as a client by a professional speakers coach, with a great track record
  • I was invited to speak at a really cool event in March
  • A yoga instructor has offered to teach me new flows
  • A meditation instructor has offered to show me a new advanced meditation practice
  • A friend sent my work to a few prominent magazine editors, to review
  • I booked several coffee meet-ups with really amazing people
  • Somehow I achieved over 280,000 new views in one week!!!

Honestly, I am shocked by all the love and support.

I got to ask — was this support always there and I chose to ignored it because I was afraid to ask for help?

How much potential is slipping through my hands, by letting my egos run the show?

Speaking of my ego…

This week felt different.

It was all hustle. Lots of struggle. Felt like I was chasing all week. After almost every interaction, I felt depleted and diminished. I had a very productive week, in terms of content, but every time I posted something new, I felt rushed, forced and uneasy.

What was I chasing?

If I’m honest, I think I was after the approval of the all the people in the previous week. I was writing to achieve the same ends as week one, instead of just letting go and flowing. I was chasing the past, chasing approval.

The thing with chasing, is that it can feel invigorating while you are doing it. There is definitely a runners-high you get from the process, but the moment you stand still for second, the emptiness floods through. So either you continue chasing forever (not humanily possible), or you face reality.

Yesterday I stood still…

…and let me tell you how shitty it felt. I finally stopped chasing and was promptly smacked in the face by reality. The emptiness hit me hard. I realized that I had forgotten about the magic of the process and focused entirely on the ends, which whether you get their or not, always feels empty.

I realized that the chase was less about achieving a specfic goal and more about running away from parts of myself that I am not yet ready to face. This realization was really tough. It hurt, because of how true it was.

What’s The Lesson?

Chasing is equality as toxic as the denial.

Both, put my ego in the driver’s seat.

Both, inevitably lead to emptiness.

Both, ignore the infinite wisdom of my soul.