The Courage To Be Me Now
Today I woke up longing for the freedom of 2017 Darius. I wondered what it would be like to erase the word “algorithm” from my vocabulary and go back to being a *pretend* photographer and writer with fewer than 500 followers and nothing to lose.
In 2017, I became a portrait photographer. I honestly had no idea what I was doing, but somehow the photos looked great and the experiences fed my soul.
In 2017, I also started writing publicly. I wrote a lot: at least 5 times a week, sometimes over 3,000 words a day.
When I paired the writing with the photos, things got really exciting.
In February of 2017, I started booking photography clients for the first time ever. I opened up 15 portrait photography spots per month, and within 2 days I sold out 3 months of portraits. This was truly a shock to me.
Everything was so new, so unknown and uncertain. I could only see 3 steps in front of me at a time.
I never knew what was coming next and I didn’t really care. This allowed me to be super honest and super ME.
I didn’t really think about the audience and it would be years before I even knew the word algorithm. Instead I would ask myself, “What feels most true this morning?” or “What feels most alive and accessible inside my heart?”
2024 Darius feels jealous of 2017 Darius. It felt easier to express and share my art in 2017.
It felt faster and more effortless... wake up, meditate, show up at my computer, write, share some photos, and move on.
It felt less competitive too. I didn’t really know who or what I was at that point, and with no professional title or status I wasn’t competing with anyone.
And it felt less risky, mostly because it felt like I had nothing to lose. I wasn’t yet a “real photographer” or a “real writer”—I was just a silly man pretending to be both.
Commercial success has many blessings. But it can also become a self-imposed prison if you are not careful.
I am sipping my coffee this morning, imagining what 2024 could look and feel like if I was brave enough to be me all the way.
Not me in 2017, but me right fucking now.
Big love,
D