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Writing + Photography

Memoirs and musings of Darius Bashar. Toronto portrait photographer and writer, in pursuit of all things real, raw and intimate. 

Darkness, Early This Morning

I woke up this morning and could feel a lingering darkness. It had a sting, like a bad bruise on the bottom of my foot. Every step, there it was. Quiet and persistent.

Like a bad taste in my mouth, it tainted all aspects of my morning. 

Two paths emerged before me.

Path 1 - Shake it off and get positive

Path 2 - Get curious and go deeper 

I pulled up my 2018 intentions and instantly knew which path was mine. (side note: I decided to review my intention every morning from now on. Not sure how this wasn't obvious before, but how else are you going to stay focussed for 365 days!?)

Time to go deeper: Awareness

What did I find? The feeling most resembled scarcity and competition mindset. Specifically, there were 2 people on my Facebook newsfeed that kept coming to mind. The sentiment was not a positive. My mind didn't want me to explore the topic. It kept deflecting and denying the feeling. I believe this was because acknowledging the feeling meant admitting there was pain, which made me vulnerable. BOOM! There it was. Two words my soul had recently agreed to seek out. Vulnerability and Pain, were to be my compass, as I journeyed into my soul.

Immediately there was a sense of relief, as I knew there was an opportunity for healing. 

Keep going deeper: Honesty

These 2 people on my feed are actually friends I deeply respect. They are both very talented and highly creative. I respect both, but also don't seek to spend time with either in real life. When I am around them, I feel like a smaller version of myself. My ego plays bigger, but I feel smaller. Interesting. 

They trigger feelings of insecurity every time I see them on my feed. I know this isn't about them. I know they are good people, but more importantly I know I am a good person too.

What they do or don't do, takes nothing away from me. Competition is a fucking illusion. Me vs Them isn't a real thing. My heart soars as I acknowledge this. It jumps to its feet and gives me a standing ovation. My mind on the other hand scoffs and mocks how naive I can be. I'm okay with this. I'm getting better at not wasting energy fighting, chasing or judging feelings. 

Both my heart and my mind are valid and can co-exist. It's up to me (the soul) to decide which serves me more, or if there is a third option to explore. 

At the core, I know it is a false sense of ownership that triggers these feelings of scarcity.

Then, without warning a voice whispered: 

Silly boy these ideas are not yours
These words, not yours
These conversations, not yours
These photos, NOT YOURS

You are but a vessel

Make space and God will continue flowing through you
But if you fill up with knowledge and facts, 
God will flow elsewhere